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Let’s
focus a bit on cohabitation
PRAISED BE JESUS
CHRIST!
(Now and Forever)
I am a fan of Garrison Keillor. Not only do I have most of his tapes,
but a couple of Lake Wobegon sweatshirts as well. Lake Wobegon,
Minnesota, Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility and Father Emil are all
make-believe, of course, but I find the Keillor monologues most
insightful. One sound bite goes something like this: Children leave home
only to break the hearts of their parents.
Parental love is magnificent. It’s capable of embracing what it would
never approve. I do not doubt that the hearts of many parents are broken
in this day and age by the lifestyles adopted by their adult children.
The fact “everyone” is doing it does not help. When conscience tells you
something is wrong, broad-based cultural acceptance doesn’t insulate the
parental heart from disappointment and heartache.
In this context, I recently read that in 2004 more than 5 million
Americans were cohabiting, hardly the dream a Catholic parent has for
his or her children. According to a study (Trends in Co-habitation
and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts in the U.S.),
currently 60 percent of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation. This
in spite of the fact that fewer than half of the cohabiting unions end
in marriage. Back in 1970, a half a million cohabited. At that time, it
was still a societal no-no. Now, it would seem, there is little societal
disapproval.
A variety of reasons are put forward to explain why people decide to
live together in a sexual relationship without marriage: convenience,
financial savings, companionship, security, a desire to move away from
the family of origin. Then, too, there are those who believe that
cohabitation will lower their risk of divorce. Since many are children
of divorce, or have other family members or friends who have divorced,
this seems to be a widespread and perhaps even understandable mindset.
There are, of course, people who study this sort of thing. They report
that statistically, on average, marriage preceded by cohabitation is 46
percent more likely to end in divorce. Not surprisingly, the risk
is greatest for those who have had multiple relationships. Some studies
indicate that those who live together with definite plans for marriage
are at minimal risk; however, the social science experts indicate there
are no positive effects from cohabiting.
Effort has been made to determine whether some of the risks identified
with cohabitation are due to the “selection effect,” that is, people who
cohabit are already those who are more likely to divorce. Most social
scientists, however, emphasize the “causal effect,” rather than
“selection.” That is, cohabitation itself increases the chances of
future marital problems and divorce.
Those in the know stress that cohabitation usually favors one partner
over the other. Cohabiters, studies suggest, are unequally committed.
Often, the more committed partner is willing to put up with poor
communication, unequal treatment, insecurity and abuse. Typically, women
are more vulnerable, since they tend to be more committed. Cohabitation
also puts children at risk. Forty percent of cohabiting households
include children. After five years, studies suggest, one-half of these
couples will have broken up, compared to 15 percent of married parents.
Even before the moral implications involved, all this merits serious
reflection.
The Sixth Commandment of the Decalogue (the Ten Commandments given by
God to Moses on Mt. Sinai) reads: “You shall not commit adultery.” What
does this mean? The Catholic Church teaches that the use of the sexual
faculty outside marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose and a
violation of the Sixth Commandment. It lists as offenses against this
commandment: lust (sexual pleasure isolated from its procreative and
unitive purposes); masturbation; fornication; pornography; prostitution
and rape. It teaches that cohabitation is wrong because it violates the
Christian call to chastity imbedded in the Sixth Commandment. No. 2350
of the Catechism says: “Those who are engaged to marry are called
to live chastity in continence. They should see in this time of testing
a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, in the
hope of receiving one another from God. They should reserve for marriage
the expressions of affection that belong to married life. They will help
each other grow in chastity.”
Every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love,
commitment and openness to life in the total, unreserved gift of spouses
to each other. Premarital sexual intercourse is sinful because it
violates the dignity of persons and the nuptial meaning and purpose of
sexuality. It cannot express what God intended. Rather, it says
something false. It proclaims a commitment that two people are not
willing to make and have not made. This total commitment is possible
only in marriage, a covenant of conjugal love freely and consciously
chosen whereby a man and a woman accept the intimate community of life
and love willed by God himself (Adult Catechism No. 406 and
Familiaris Consortio of John Paul II, No. 11).
Our late Holy Father John Paul II acknowledged the reality of
cohabitation in his apostolic exhortation, Familiaris Consortio.
This is what he wrote: “They (pastors and the Church community) should
make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned and
enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the
witness of Christian family life in such a way as to smooth the path for
them to regularize their situation” (No. 81).
The cultural phenomenon of cohabitation provides an opportunity for
evangelization and a teaching moment. While couples need to be welcomed
with the Gospel values of love and understanding, they also need to be
challenged by the Gospel message of commitment and faithfulness.
Cohabitation is a violation of the Sixth Commandment. It is not OK in
the eyes of God.
For those who may be tempted to think this teaching of the Catholic
Church is old-fashioned or out of touch with reality, it is noteworthy
that research leads to the conclusion that those who choose to cohabit
undermine their chances of attaining the very thing they most want: an
intimate and enduring relationship where they can share their deepest
dreams and desires.
The Catholic Church understands the human quest for intimacy. God
himself has placed it within the human heart. Sexual expression is a
means of achieving marital intimacy where the spouses are committed to
each other and to the marital relationship. Others may waver when it
comes to this issue, but the Catholic Church has consistently taught
that cohabitation is morally wrong.
During this Lenten Season, it is hoped the call to conversion will
energize those who are being tempted to cohabit to move beyond the
superficial to basic issues such as cohabitation and the realization
that it isn’t good to live together before marriage. Not only is it
morally wrong in the eyes of God, social science research affirms this
long-standing moral stance of our Church. |
